Passive Body Shaming?
“I am writing a blog post about passive body shaming - that is,
being indirectly made to feel bad about yourself by the way other people talk
about themselves.
I would love some contribution from others - if you have any experience
of this, as either someone who regularly puts themselves down (don’t shame
yourself for that either!) or as someone who finds posts like this have an
effect on them, could you PM me or comment here?”
This is the post I popped up into our studio Facebook group a
few months ago.
Once I had posted, shit went down. It also hit the fan. It got
deep, we shared, we laughed, we quite literally cried, we had stories and
anecdotes and feelings and then it grew legs and ran and it led to so many
other interesting topics… I was honestly completely overwhelmed, so instead of
doing what I said I was going to, I procrastinated wildly because I am in fact
only human and trying to balance so many different viewpoints along with my own is frankly bloody
terrifying. I keep thinking about what I could say while I’m in the car on the
school run, and by the time I’m home… I’ve forgotten, the moment has passed and
I’m back to just being a bit muddled.
In short, if you feel that what you said hasn’t been covered in
this particular post, please don’t feel ignored. It’s a big messy subject and I
hope to keep coming back to it.
Note: This post does not take into
account conditions such as body dysmorphia, or any kind of eating disorder. Although maybe connected, these are separate subjects that I am not experienced or qualified to write about. This blog is really only about the self esteem and body image issues brought on by external influences and societal expectations and pressures.
What is 'passive body shaming'?
Well, who knows? I don’t even know if this is actually a thing,
it probably isn’t an original concept, it’s something that occurred to me one
day. This particular day was at the tail end of an exceptionally stressful few
weeks (months maybe?!) – various things had happened in life, I was tired,
emotional and not myself and I came across a social media post from someone close to me (and
a few dress sizes smaller than me) that said something about how ‘gross’ they
were for eating so much and putting on so much weight… And for a few moments I
felt really, truly, awful about myself. I am a size 14 if I want to be
comfortable in my clothes, I have a belly that wobbles and certainly isn't flat, I have stretch marks, I don’t
shave my legs as often as I personally would like to, I rarely wear makeup or
make any effort with my hair, and this beautiful, beautiful person thinks SHE is gross. Ugly. Undeserving. My knee
jerk reaction to this? WHAT AM I THEN?
After a reasonably short time, the ‘real’ me caught up, the defiance kicked in and I started to get pretty angry - angry that she had felt the need to say these things about herself, angry that I had let it get in my head. Angry for all the people who don't get angry about this stuff and just let it bring them down.
I can’t explain the train of thought or how it came about, but the way I see it – passive body shaming is like passive smoking. A smoker (or vaper?) inhales their little stick, exhales and guess who gets the toxic second hand fumes? Everyone else within a few meters. People stand in front of doors smoking, giving you no other choice than to walk through their poison, potentially having short or longer term effects on your physical health.
I can’t explain the train of thought or how it came about, but the way I see it – passive body shaming is like passive smoking. A smoker (or vaper?) inhales their little stick, exhales and guess who gets the toxic second hand fumes? Everyone else within a few meters. People stand in front of doors smoking, giving you no other choice than to walk through their poison, potentially having short or longer term effects on your physical health.
For me – displays of self-loathing feel similar, especially when linked to physical appearance.
Someone openly bringing attention to the things they dislike about themselves –
not just saying ‘I don’t like this part of me’ but actually labelling it as
disgusting, gross, ugly - could effectively be poisoning the mind of someone
close to them, and having a negative impact on their mental wellbeing. We are (metaphorically?) breathing in second hand self-hate, and making it part of ourselves. I find that both
powerful and terrifying.
The Discussion
Here are a few of the comments that popped up on that post;
“When people who are significantly skinnier than you complain that they’re fat. Errr, so what does that say about me then?"
Here are a few of the comments that popped up on that post;
“When people who are significantly skinnier than you complain that they’re fat. Errr, so what does that say about me then?"
“Doesn’t it speak volumes about our beauty standards when to look well or healthy is deemed an insult?”
“Decades of society pitching women against each other”
“When I was 15 my best friend cried because she
couldn’t fit into a size 6. I was already a size 18 and the shop we were in
didn’t go up to my size. I just walked away. She understood and we didn’t talk
about size again until I was 25.”
“Back when I was a teenager I had a friend who must
have been about a size 8/10 and she would always say she was fat and point out
her flaws. Back then I thought she was stunning and thought; if she is so fat
and has so many issues, what does this mean for me? I was the same size (or so
I thought, turns out I was actually smaller) at the time and because of her
thoughts I actually came to believe I was fat too. It is really amazing how
someone else’s feelings about themselves can affect you.”
“I feel I am sometimes shamed because I have the body I
do. People say it’s not fair but I hope I never make anyone feel bad by
munching on a cookie during practise or for bringing a bag or two for sharing.
It certainly isn’t my intention – I like cookies. ALSO I have so many other
issues going on in my brain about my confidence. My body hair is out of
control, I smell, my feet are weird, my breath smells etc etc…”
“When I see other people doing really well with diets
etc it makes me feel bad, like I should eat better but also I like food. And
when people put their size down – like actual dress size. So saying ‘OMG I had
to get a size x’ or ‘I used to be size x and now I’m size y’ makes me feel bad
especially if I’m that size now”
“If you don’t feel okay in your own skin, you don’t
feel okay no matter how others perceive the way you look.”
“I have been constantly berated for being slim – ‘it’s
alright for you, you’re skinny’. It’s actually not fun not being able to find
adult clothes. I’m a grown ass woman wearing age 13 boys shorts with elastic on
the waist. I’m slim because I have an active job, a high metabolism and my diet
is mostly healthy but apparently this makes me a bitch.”
“If you are struggling with weight/body fat etc
yourself, then you’re made to feel like you can’t talk about it to anyone. Some
of my friends are different sizes to me, does that mean I can’t ever say when
I’m not feeling good?”
“As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder
and body dysmorphia for over a decade, I find it difficult to talk about it
mostly because of the reactions I’ll get from other people... Should I be held
responsible for how that person feels about themselves based on how I see and
feel about my own body?”
For the full post with all comments: https://www.facebook.com/groups/227158770653263/permalink/1665501800152279/
What does this all mean?
Okay, so nobody is totally happy with themselves.
That’s a good place to start. We all have this in common. We can’t all agree on
how to handle it – the fact is some of us need to talk about it, and some of us
need to not hear it. That is a VERY difficult balance to find. So it
makes me wonder what common ground can be found here, and whether there’s an
alternative way to handle disliking the way you look, or hearing someone else disliking the way they look.
To continue with the smoking metaphor here… Which action actually causes the most harm? Is it the smokers buying the cigarettes and lighting them knowing that second hand smoke is harmful to others? Is it the person choosing to stand next to them and breathe it in? Or… Is it the fault of the manufacturers for peddling their poison? Or, is it a combination of all these?
To continue with the smoking metaphor here… Which action actually causes the most harm? Is it the smokers buying the cigarettes and lighting them knowing that second hand smoke is harmful to others? Is it the person choosing to stand next to them and breathe it in? Or… Is it the fault of the manufacturers for peddling their poison? Or, is it a combination of all these?
The same can be asked of self hate. Is it the person
vocalising it to blame, knowing that there are impressionable others
nearby who may absorb that toxicity? Is it your own fault, for listening to it,
absorbing it, and making it about you? OR is it the decades of being told that
your body isn’t good enough by companies who profit from selling you ways to
fix it (I’m looking at you Avon – you may have removed the ‘dimples are cute on
your face but not on your thighs’ ad but you’re still SELLING THE PRODUCTS to 'fix' that 'flaw' aren’t you?).
What could we do?
Working backwards (from the effect your words have, to the reason you might say them) here are some ideas.
1. Language
I think language is hugely important here. If you don't like something about yourself - you have the right to vocalise that if you need to, but it's HOW you do it that is important. I've heard people say something like 'I've put on some weight over the last year and I think it's time I lose it, I just don't feel like me' - and I find that much easier to understand and process. It's personal, it's to do with how you feel about yourself. However, comments like 'I hate my thighs, they're so fat/dimpled it's disgusting' make your comment about other people too - it translates to you also finding those things disgusting on them. And they may already be something that person worries about, because we are all made to feel imperfect all the time.
2. Be kinder to yourself
Don't just consider how the things you say out loud affect other people, think about how the things you say to yourself affect YOU. Changing the way you think is hard, and it’s been said a thousand times before but if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself. Examples…
Working backwards (from the effect your words have, to the reason you might say them) here are some ideas.
1. Language
I think language is hugely important here. If you don't like something about yourself - you have the right to vocalise that if you need to, but it's HOW you do it that is important. I've heard people say something like 'I've put on some weight over the last year and I think it's time I lose it, I just don't feel like me' - and I find that much easier to understand and process. It's personal, it's to do with how you feel about yourself. However, comments like 'I hate my thighs, they're so fat/dimpled it's disgusting' make your comment about other people too - it translates to you also finding those things disgusting on them. And they may already be something that person worries about, because we are all made to feel imperfect all the time.
2. Be kinder to yourself
Don't just consider how the things you say out loud affect other people, think about how the things you say to yourself affect YOU. Changing the way you think is hard, and it’s been said a thousand times before but if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself. Examples…
“I had 2 cupcakes today, I’m such a pig” = “You had 2
cupcakes today, you’re such a pig.”
“I hate how my belly has rolls when I sit like that” =
“I hate how your belly has rolls when you sit like that.”
“I wish I was thin again” = “I wish you were thin
again”
“I shouldn’t wear that, they can see my stretchmarks” =
“You shouldn’t wear that, we can see your stretchmarks”
It works the other way too – backhanded compliments…
Things you might say to someone else, that you’d never say to yourself.
“It’s so unfair that you’ve got such a great figure” =
“It’s so unfair that I have such a great figure”
“It’s okay for you, you’re skinny” = “Life is great for
me, I’m skinny!”
Questioning and the application of critical thinking to the things you see around you is incredibly important. Looking at adverts and knowing that what you’re looking at is airbrushing and not real life is important. Looking at the front page of women’s magazines and seeing how they’re targeted to make us unhappy as we are so we keep buying the products they advertise is important. We are bombarded with unattainable ideals from all angles, and this is even worse nowadays with social media - celebs promoting 'quick fixes' to what are essentially normal body types, while they are being photoshopped into fantasy creatures... It's so unfair and it has become the norm. It gets into your head and you have to actively fight it.
For me - the fight against self hate is not about changing my physical appearance. It’s not about being fat or thin, having clear skin or acne, stretch marks or cellulite, visible pores or body hair – it’s about spending less time worrying about these things and more time questioning why I’ve been made to think they are flaws. As my favourite saying goes… Don’t get sad, get angry (probably not a real saying... It should be)
That's all for now - I'm interested to hear your thoughts, so get in touch!
Katy xx
PS. Here's a picture I have never shared before because social media and everything else gets into my head too...
